they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting.

i'm sitting on the floor of my closet because i don't want to wake up carla. i have class at 11, but i need to get up at 8 to shower and get ready, etc.

this has been kind of a weird day. definitely one for the books. my classes were great. i can tell IR is going to be a bit boring, but i think i'll learn to love it. and film is film. but then for some reason everything after that went to crap. i spent like 3 hours in the union farting around, getting books from people (which may or may not be the right ones...), reading delightfully depressing (think the smiths, the cure) short stories from a book tasha loaned me, and basically stewing about all of the news i got on sunday. i saw a lot of people i knew, and i think i gave them te impression they were not welcome in my presence, which just isn't true, to any extent. i appologize to all of you. i was pissy to my roommates when i finally got back, i appologize to them too, and was just a general crab ass all day. then i went to my film lab and watched city lights, an old chaplin film, which really cheered me up. i drove kate back to tasha and kelly's, chilled for a minute, layed up tasha's bed, then drove her to kwik trip for cigarettes, and eventually up to garvin. heart to heart number one for the evening. for some reason tasha is just really easy to talk to, and i got a lot off of my chest. it felt good to unload. came back late for the hall meeting, won some dishwasher fluid, then went back to my apartment. we were told rick and kendric stopped by, and realized we needed to ask them some questions, so ran over to kendric's for a sec. possibly the most awkward half hour of my life, EVER. yeah. so that put me back in a super bad mood. and all of a sudden the fact that my puppy (yes i know he was 11, but he was my puppy) died just kind of slugged me in the chest. i couldn't smile. i couldn't even fake it. so i called eva, because when i'm that down i know she's the only person who can fix it. and she did. we burnt hash browns and watched spiders and talked about how boys are dumb and snuggled. and then she had to leave. i walked her down to the lobby where, oddly, rick and kendric were sitting. in the dark. in the study room. whispering. weird. we stopped to talk to them because for some reason rick thought me and eva were lesbians and in a serious relationship. we played with his mind for a little bit, i smacked some ass, eva grabbed some boob, but eventually gave up the rouse. after about 40 or so minutes of general chatting and talking and then in depth conversation eva and kendric both left to sleep like normal people. but for some reason rick and i stuck around. and talked a lot. eva was right when she said that some of the most satisfying conversations are with half strangers. rick and i are kind of friends, but we've never really talked before. just small talk at the coffee shop or when we run into each other on campus. but for an hour and a half we just stood there talking about pets, and politics, and religion, and family, just everything. i came back to the apartment feeling empty in a good way. all of the decaying thoughts i'd been holding onto all week had been flushed out and deconstructed, and it just seemed that things kind of flowed. i had driven tasha home earlier complaining that i wished i didn't feel anything ever. but i like this feeling i have now. a sense of purpose and drive has kind of taken over, and i'm excited to see where it takes me.

i don't really know what to say. i didn't think i had this much writing in me after all the talking today, but this mental block i've been carry around for a while seems to have broken, and all of the sudden i can express myself and just let things go.

i think...
just maybe...









... i think i'm happy.