me. not in a nutshell.

i'm feeling very odd and nostalgic right now. maybe that why i'm listening to bad 90's music and stuff that reminds me of 2002. what? yah, anyway. i have realized in this exact moment that i only miss 5 people i was friends with in high school, and they're the ones i see every time i go home. no one else matters. i have all these blogs and myspaces and facebooks and what have you, and i think "what are people from high school going to think when they see this? will they finally think that i'm cool?" and i hate that feeling. i've had it for 13 years now, and something about tonight has made me stop and think about how stupid that is. i have no reason to impress those people. they don't spend their time wondering what i think, and if they do they're fucking losers. it smells like onions in here. anyway, i'm sick of trying to impress people, sick of putting up a false representation of myself. so right here, in print, i'm going to tell you about myself. it's going to be a list, as so many of my blogs are these days, and it's going to be stuff i really don't want people to know, but it's part of who i am, so you get to see it. i don't want secrets anymore. so here goes...

1. i am really loud. it's an effort for me to keep things at normal volume. i got in troube a lot in pre school and elementary school for this. so by junior high, i just stopped talking during school, and a lot of teachers thought i was slow. honestly. so i think that's why i got into singing. i was supposed to be loud.

2. i have dyslexia. just with numbers, but still. it's one of the reasons i've never done well with math.

3. i also have adhd. these first three things all kind of play into each other, and over the years i have learned how to hide all three, and pretend not to have them. but doing so has just made them worse. i actually have exercises i do for both that have really helped me.

4. i'm pretty much nocturnal. i'm sure katie hates it, but i love the solitude of 2 and 3 in the morning. it's my time. that's when i'm at my most productive.

5. i'm really interested in photography, but i don't have the patience for it. that's why i like digital. good for my adhd head.

6. sometimes i pick my nose and wipe it on the seam of my jeans. don't worry, i also wash my jeans really carefully if i have done this, and i really don't do it that much anymore. but when i was little i used to pick my nose and scrape it into my pocket. my mom would find it when she was checking my pants for the laundry and yell at me. then she started making me empty my pockets on my own.

7. i love to dance, but i'm HORRIBLE at it. but it's just so much fun. and i have a hard time keeping still, so i'll pretty much do it anywhere.

8. my feet used to smell really bad. reeeeaaaaaallllyyy bad. i use medicated soap now, and it's all good. it's because when i was about 9 i started a rebellion against socks. i've always hated socks, they really agrivate my claustrphobia (which i have REALLY bad, i get it from my mom. i freak out in elevators and walk in closets sometimes.). so for about 4 years i wouldn't wear socks EVER and it messed up my sweat glands a little. now i wear socks most of the time, but i have to buy the extended sizes ones so they're loose, and if i can i go sockless. that's why i have like 80 pairs of flip flops.

9. speaking of shoes...... i go through phases. i will wear a shoe for about 2 straight weeks, everyday. then, all of a sudden, one day i'll decided to wear something else, and the cycle continues. that's why i buy so many new pairs, i run out of options.

10. i have 4 very distinct laughs. a. the weez. it's the same laugh my dad has, also where he got his nickname for me (weezbojeezyak, but that's another story). when something is so funny i don't make noise anymore. the weez also sometimes accompanies b. the hearty laugh. when something is funny enough to make me laugh hard, but i can regain composure if i need to. c. the snort. it's not just one, it's the "things moving from my throat to my nose" laugh. usually done in class, or when i need to contain myself. c. the giggle. exactly what it is. not used very often, except in minne sometimes, or when i'm feeling really girly.

11. i've always secretly resented my older brother. he's a straight a student, he's a runner, he's always been healthy, he's the goodlooking maguire, he's always had a job, a great personal life, my parents have always kind of coveted him and put him on a pedestal. when he left for college i had a really hard time for a while. i had always modeled myself after him, he was my idol. i went through a bit of a downward spiral, and briefly fell into some bad stuff. my friends were good enough to help me out of that. but to this day my parents still compare me to him, and i'll always be very different from him. we've become very close now, and i admire him a lot, but we're two different people.

12. i don't want kids because i'm afraid i'd ruin them. i had what i thought was a good childhood, but i'm kind of messed up because of it, and because of my parents. i think with all my issues my kids would be terrible.

13. i feel stupid all the time. see 1-3. plus, ALL of my friends are very intelligent, so i've put myself into the dumb funny friend role.

14. i've always liked being unique and original and a little weird, bizarre even, but when that's all people know me as, it hurts. i can be sensitive, and wise, and heartfelt, and introspective, and yes, even quiet every once in a while. but a lot of the time i don't feel comfortable showing that because it's not how people know me.

15. one of my favorite things is being quoted. i love that.

16. when people don't completely erase a chalkboard, i have a panic attack. no lie.

17. i'm afraid to try new things, but i tell people i'm not.

18. i don't have multiple personalities, but my moods are so extreme that people have labeled them as different people. here is the complete list:
Emily- just regular, witty, funny, easy to get along with, around most of the time.
Adalaide-polite and demure, usually present when there are adults around. she is very proper, and catches most people off guard with how shy and quiet she is. usually who i am in class.
Julia Dean-kinda country, when all of a sudden an accent comes out, you know who it is.
Starkeesha-the ghetto chi-town fly girl. a bit abrasive, but generally well behaved. loves jay-z, kanye, and usher.
Audry-bitchy. su fi pissed off mode. when she's angry, look out. i get this way around finals week, racist people, homophobes, and my mom.
Pickle-loud, obnoxious, strange, nonsensical, random, makes noises. late at night or when i'm drunk, this is what comes out.

freaked out yet? no? let's move on...

19. i think about my Grandmom dying a lot. she's the hub of the family, and when she goes, i'm worried we'll all lose each other. and i don't want that. she holds my southern roots, and i don't think i'd be me without her and my aunts&uncles.

20. i can't keep my legs still. at night while i'm trying to sleep i rock them back and forth. it calms me down and helps me relax.

21. i don't like my mom very much sometimes. i know this is really mean and horrible, but she's done a lot of things that have made life really hard for me. i know this blog is about truth and revealing things, but some of it i need to keep to myself.

22. i hate turning on the front porch light at my house. it gives me really big shocks, and i don't like it. this is also the reason i hate driving my mom's car.

23. i can't sleep when it's even remotely warm. i like to snuggle in blankets, so it needs to be kind of cold out for me to be comfortable.

24. i hate shopping because i'm fat. clothes never fit me, people look at me weird, and nothing looks good on me. this also plays into another fact about myself...

25. i hate everything about the way i look except my hair and eyes. i especially hate my mouth, for some reason.

26. the futures scares the hell out of me, and sometimes i miss high school.

27. i hate how big my boobs are. that's all anyone used to talk about, and big gay nathan pissed the hell out of me that day... i don't want to be big boobies rand mcnally anymore. but at the same time, i use them to get out of speeding tickets.

28. sometimes when i'm with my friends i'll pretend to be on the phone with someone else so i don't have to listen to how stupid they can be. this is a dangerous thing to admit about myself, but people need to know that sometimes i just don't care.

29. i have always been the go to friend when people have a problem they need advice on, but i'm probably the worst one to ask.

30. i'm partially deaf in my right ear. i think it's 60% or something. i don't know. the dr. who told me was standing on my right. dumb ass.

31. i sing in the showers at school, and i don't care if people walk in.

32. i HATE mushrooms. i will not touch food that has been on the same plate as mushrooms. don't ever try to get one near me. i will cut you. i'm getto like that.

33. another thing about food. i'm really obsessive about what foods can touch each other. if i have eaten a particularly juicy cut of meat and now want a serving of potatoes, i will take a napkin and wipe of my plate completely before putting down the new food. my dad always laughs at me when i do this. and then he stacks his bones like lincoln logs.

34. my dad is my favorite person in the world, but he scares me sometimes. he yells a lot. mostly at UK and Bengals games, but when i'm really in trouble i'm honestly afraid to be in the same room with him. his lectures could cave a trained hostage. he was never very affectionate when i was little, he never hugged me, but... ok this one is weird and i don't want anyone to get the wrong idea...

35. when i was little i used to have problems sleeping. our neighbors got robbed and i was really afraid it would happen to us. so my dad would lay in bed with me until i fell asleep. well, more like until he fell asleep, then i would try to match his breathing, then i would fall asleep, and he'd go back to his room. i've never felt safer than those nights. he stopped doing that when i was 8. now when he sees me he always puts a hand on my head. something about it reminds me of the happy nights. the first time i can actually remember him hugging me was the day he left me on my first night in sheehan. he cried.

36. i'm crying right now.

37. i hate when my hair gets pinched in my headphones. in my opinion it ruins the music listening experience.

38. george w. bush makes me physically sick. so does bill o'reilly. i tried to watch the o'reilly factor once because i think it's important to look at both sides of things, but i couldn't make it through the whole show. i started to cry because it was so horrible and one-sided.

39. i hate it when people assume that all southerners are stupid and racist, and still believe in the confederacy. that makes me feel really inadequate and cornered. i've had teachers who've told jokes about the south because we're up north, and think it's nothing. like no southerner would be smart enough to come to college. well fuck you. i may always feel stupid, but i have my moments.

40. i think this will be the last one for now. when i'm drifing off to sleep i make up stories in my head about perfect scenarios and how i wish things really worked. a lot of the time they involve a celebrity or a boy i have a crush on saving me, or being sick and us having to go through it all. i don't know, i write little movies in my head at night. sometimes i'll stay awake for hours doing it, even when i know i should be asleep. like now..........

you officially know more about me than my parents. congratulations. now that you have this information, use it wisely.