they say time heals everything, but i'm still waiting.

i'm sitting on the floor of my closet because i don't want to wake up carla. i have class at 11, but i need to get up at 8 to shower and get ready, etc.

this has been kind of a weird day. definitely one for the books. my classes were great. i can tell IR is going to be a bit boring, but i think i'll learn to love it. and film is film. but then for some reason everything after that went to crap. i spent like 3 hours in the union farting around, getting books from people (which may or may not be the right ones...), reading delightfully depressing (think the smiths, the cure) short stories from a book tasha loaned me, and basically stewing about all of the news i got on sunday. i saw a lot of people i knew, and i think i gave them te impression they were not welcome in my presence, which just isn't true, to any extent. i appologize to all of you. i was pissy to my roommates when i finally got back, i appologize to them too, and was just a general crab ass all day. then i went to my film lab and watched city lights, an old chaplin film, which really cheered me up. i drove kate back to tasha and kelly's, chilled for a minute, layed up tasha's bed, then drove her to kwik trip for cigarettes, and eventually up to garvin. heart to heart number one for the evening. for some reason tasha is just really easy to talk to, and i got a lot off of my chest. it felt good to unload. came back late for the hall meeting, won some dishwasher fluid, then went back to my apartment. we were told rick and kendric stopped by, and realized we needed to ask them some questions, so ran over to kendric's for a sec. possibly the most awkward half hour of my life, EVER. yeah. so that put me back in a super bad mood. and all of a sudden the fact that my puppy (yes i know he was 11, but he was my puppy) died just kind of slugged me in the chest. i couldn't smile. i couldn't even fake it. so i called eva, because when i'm that down i know she's the only person who can fix it. and she did. we burnt hash browns and watched spiders and talked about how boys are dumb and snuggled. and then she had to leave. i walked her down to the lobby where, oddly, rick and kendric were sitting. in the dark. in the study room. whispering. weird. we stopped to talk to them because for some reason rick thought me and eva were lesbians and in a serious relationship. we played with his mind for a little bit, i smacked some ass, eva grabbed some boob, but eventually gave up the rouse. after about 40 or so minutes of general chatting and talking and then in depth conversation eva and kendric both left to sleep like normal people. but for some reason rick and i stuck around. and talked a lot. eva was right when she said that some of the most satisfying conversations are with half strangers. rick and i are kind of friends, but we've never really talked before. just small talk at the coffee shop or when we run into each other on campus. but for an hour and a half we just stood there talking about pets, and politics, and religion, and family, just everything. i came back to the apartment feeling empty in a good way. all of the decaying thoughts i'd been holding onto all week had been flushed out and deconstructed, and it just seemed that things kind of flowed. i had driven tasha home earlier complaining that i wished i didn't feel anything ever. but i like this feeling i have now. a sense of purpose and drive has kind of taken over, and i'm excited to see where it takes me.

i don't really know what to say. i didn't think i had this much writing in me after all the talking today, but this mental block i've been carry around for a while seems to have broken, and all of the sudden i can express myself and just let things go.

i think...
just maybe...









... i think i'm happy.

Mohican Tennis, 1/1/95 - 8/27/06

so, my dog died yesterday. dad called me while i was at panera with eva today to tell me. i guess the shoulder problem he was having a month ago was a tumor, and the only solution was amputation. if you've seen my dog, you know why that's not going to work. so they put him to sleep, and because it was more like putting him out of his misery i think i'm ok with it. or at least i will be pretty soon. i don't really feel like writing more, but i'll update again soon, as the semester starts tomorrow.

kjbuvaouibaujbveiubave *frustration tremor*

i am a complete mess, i must say. i just kind of have a knack for making a fool of myself that really should be studied by psychological and sociological institutes. it's a wonder i've made it this far in life without being profiled by montel or maury or something. all i'm going to say on the subject is that i should NEVER be asked to tell my stories about meeting famous people. they make me look creepy and psychotic and just a little bit mentally unstable. if someone were to meet me for the first time and sit in on a conversation with people i've known for a long time they would undoubtedly be afraid to ever make contact with me again.

on the other hand, i've pretty much settled in here at school, and it's going well. this week i need to go get a job so that i can pay for textbooks and groceries and, you know, everything. i have a feeling i'm going to end up at erbert and gerbert's, simply because i know they're hiring. but i swear i will never become a delivery person. i have no idea how to get around winona, that would be kind of a problem. so whatever.

god i'm just in such a bad mood right now. this has been kind of a weird day. parade this morning, so my feet are all messed up. i need to find a pediatrist here in winona to help with all they shit that went wrong because of work. i'm having a hard time walking these days, and i get these really bad shooting pains when i first wake up in the morning. gah. i sound like an old lady. so yeah, parade, came back for lunch, then hopped in bed to watch some tv and ended up sleeping for four hours.

i need to stop whining and just suck it up. i am a paranoid freak.

"are you sure the back is supposed to face that way?"

i can't sleep. but it's a good kind of can't sleep. i moved into my new apartment today.

i'm in love with how fabulous this place is. i have a huge bathroom and a walk-in closet and laundry and a dishwasher and free utilities and it's cheaper than living in the dorms. and katie and tasha and i had such a good time today organizing and unpacking things and putting the magnetic poetry on the fridge and making the entertainment center and snuggling on the couch. i feel like things are starting to fit again. it's really nice. i've been lying in bed for a while thinking about how i'm going to rearrange the room tomorrow so it makes more sense for everyone. i can't wait to move furniture. is that weird? i hope not, because then i'm nuts. but i think we already knew that. and now i'm just waiting for school to start and things to pick up and people to get here so i'm not just sitting on the couch watching movies and not eating because we have almost no food. oh well, i'm happy and content and excited and using the word and a lot.

the and.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha. ha.