So long, so long, front foot leads the back one.

i want to quit life. and by life i mean politics. and by politics i mean the college democrats. no one is happy. tonight's meeting was a disaster. we're being pushed and pulled in 80 different directions, and all of our plans are being undermined, and everyone thinks we're slacking off. i just want to scream at everyone "WE'RE DOING MORE WORK THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE, PLEASE SUCK IT." i say please because i'm not really a mean person. people expect SO MUCH out of us. it's making me depressed. i've been in a horrible mood for about two weeks now. and not just because of the dems, i've gotten a lot of shit thrown at me all at once in the last couple weeks, and this is just the icing on the cake. and now the keillor event is unraveling a little bit, and i have $1.65 to my name, and all i want to do is have a weekend alone in my apartment, maybe with my bottle of tequila. but no. i have friends. and they want me to get out of bed. but i don't know if i'm going to listen to them. nothing bad ever happened in my bed. so far it's the safest place in winona. my lime green pillow has no malicious feelings about the work i've been doing or the quality of my film analysis. the quilt won't give me a B on a quiz i deserved an A on. YOU HEAR THAT CHAD????? THE WAY YOU WORDED THOSE QUESTIONS MADE MULTIPLE ANSWERS POSSIBLE!!! PLEASE JOIN THE GROUP THAT'S SUCKING IT! i've never gotten mad at him before. this is baaaaaaaaaad juju.

does anyone want to have a scream fight with me? jared's offer to wrestle in dining rooms c & d is not looking so bad right now. i want to beat someone up. or throw something at someone. LOOK OUT, EVERYONE ON CAMPUS, YOU MAY RECEIVE A CRUMPLED UP VOTER REG CARD TO THE HEAD TOMORROW!!!!!! frustration is my new middle name. it used to be danger, but then that became too trendy so i changed it. i was going to change it to patience, but the forms i had to fill out and the line i had to wait in were a bit, well, you get the idea.

someone please cheer me up, i dont like being in a bad mood.

Life.

i think i need to take control of my life these days. i get the feeling that some shady stuff is going down, and i'm just not paying attention. so here's to me waking the hell up and not being so naive. not everyone likes me. deal with it. i am a hard person to get along with, i realize. i have great respect for my friends, new, old, and in between, for putting up with my shit. i am a lucky person to have found these people. and as time is progessing, i'm slowly finding parts of myself in these other people, and i guess, more than parts in certain others. oy. tripod.

but anyway, i'm getting over whatever brief little illness i contracted. i'm calling it count choculitis. but now my dear wife is sick with it, and i only hope she kicks it as fast as i did, along with everyone else. i'd say the chances are lookin good.

i want to go see cake and arcade fire live. it's kind of a burning desire. blah blah blah. who wants to see a movie this weekend?

if what they say is "nothing is forever," then what makes love the exception?

i feel like i am devoid of substance. when i open my mouth nothing comes out but jibberish and bad puns that no one understands.

or a complaint.

i think i need to read more. maybe then i'll feel more substantial and conversational. i don't want to go home any time soon. my house is going to be weird without t-bone. i don't want to think about it now. so nevermind.

on the otherhand, i'm actually maybe sort of a little bit happy. things are frustrating, a little foagzz, i'm being WAY to derilious, but at the same time these things are forcing me to enjoy myself and have fun.

so that's where i am right now.



i found this on my computer last night. i didn't think i had one. i may have cried a little bit. did i mention i'm a wuss now?

woops!

i realize now, as i sit on the floor of my closet, that i am a supreme bitch. more specifically, about this whole birthday thing. my roommates are doing a little something for me, and instead of appreciating the effort and thought they're putting into it, i keep complaining about how i don't want a surprise and i don't want a big deal and all this shit. i don't know what they're planning. it could be absolutely perfect. if they know me half as well as i think they do, i'll have an amazing time, no questions asked. so need to just take me foot out of my mouth and shut the hell up with all the complaining. it's my 21st birthday. i should be happy. and my roommates make me happy. and the people i've heard they invited make me happy. i'm going to be happy. i'm in a much better mood.


so to anyone whose last nerve i am currently sledgehammering, i appoligize. i love you all and goodnight.


ps, i'm not drunk.

Dear Eva,

Her face is a map of the world
(Is a map of the world)
You can see she's a beautiful girl
(She's a beautiful girl)
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
(suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
(Like walking the world)
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
(She's a beautiful girl)
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember what you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a word

Suddenly I see
(suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower

She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Yea Yea
Suddenly I see

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me






Love, Your Wifey

oh, i've seen fire and i've seen rain.

i think i am in love.
















with my western civ professor. just because he reminds me of harry goldenblatt from sex and the city. i don't want to get into it. i don't need another latin american history.

for some reason, even though things are really going well for me right now, i can't get to a place where i'm happy. i mean, today was great. i got done everything i needed to, the press conference went well (except when sharon ropes called judy dutcher the assistant governor instead of the leutenant governor. HA!), attendance at the dems meeting was stellar, along with the atmosphere, the pasta i made myself for dinner was delicious, and there's plenty left over for lunch tomorrow, people came over tonight and we all giggled a lot, had two really good phone conversations, yes, good things. but now i find myself sitting on the couch at 2am with a movie on, completely unhappy with how i feel. i'm not happy with the way i'm treating people i care about. i've become the biggest bitch this side of the mississippi. i think i'm trying to force myself into this mold of what everyone wants me to be, and the whole time i just want to scream and throw things and yell and cause trouble and be outrageous and do something that's so completely totally not me. just to see how it feels. but i have a feeling that if some people found out about it i'd be judged from 30 different angles and people would think i had stepped out of line or changed or become something they couldn't be a part of.





and a little place inside of me kind of likes that thought. the idea that i could alienate people who only like a certain version of me and find out who's really open to the idea of complete honesty with another person. i'm not going to shave my head or cover myself with tattoos or date 37 people at once. i think i might just be content with piercing something new. i couple people know what i'm talking about, but not many. so i guess the next time you see me look for a new shiny object. if you can see it while i'm fully clothed.......












oh dear. that's definitely something a little crazy.


who else can i call at 1am? i think eva and tasha are getting sick of me keeping them up. same with rick and the lobby talks...