WARNING: i'm gettin truthier.

eek. it's been a while. i don't know, i've been busy spenging time with my friends. after getting kicked off the island last week i guess i've been scrambling to surround myself with people i know aren't going to just get bored and decide to walk out on me. don't take this as me being needy. i'm never needy. it's a rule. i'm tough and strong, and stupid crazy bitchy people can't get to me.

except that they can...

i just keep running the things she said about me over and over in my head. i really hope that's not how everyone else sees me. i know i'm loud, and abrassive, and annoying, and i'm sure that half the time someone wants to kick me in the face, but just be patient. i'm really trying to grow up right now and trying to become the person i want to be, but it's taking some effort. certain people have enforced some not so stellar behavior that needs to be corrected. and i think a lot of this is going to be me getting honest, with others AND myself. which brings me to my next point, this weird hUman contact thing i have going on right now.

i think i've figured it out. it's a trust thing. after the whole britt debachle i've been a little shaken... i mean, i lived with the girl, she was one of my closest friends here, we were really similar in a lot of ways, and i trusted her. so now i'm going back and forcing myself to evaluate all of my friendships, make sure i trust people. so, to the people here in winona, i'm sorry if i seem distant, or i pull back if you try to hug me or touch me (i think high fives are just about all i can handle right now...) it's not that i don't like you. it's more like i'm just trying to figure out where i stand with everyone. i don't not trust you all, i'm just working on reaffirming everything.

more than physical contact even, i really feel uncomfortable with mushy stuff right now. valentines was tough because everyone kept saying they loved me, seriously. i'm okay with me doing something completely stupid and someone saying they love me for it, but just the flat out "i love you, emily" stuff isn't what i want right now. it just never seems genuine anymore. just like when people say "if you need anything you can come to me" after a tragedy. i just don't believe you. i realize it sounds like i have issues, probably because i do, but i'm not going to shut people out. just keeping it casual is all. who knows when i'll come around, so just be patient.